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Why I am not in marketing (well…one reason)

Hey kids! Ever wonder what the inbox on an old, abandoned email address looks like? Well, look no further. Basically, it’s this.

Subject: Great News!


Great news!

You’re invited to pay us for our new product or service! Not only is it something of little interest to you, it also generates higher margins for us. Win-win!

This is an elite offer that we don’t extend to just any member of the unwashed masses. Only individuals like yourself, who have passed our rigorous screening process of <valid_email?send():exit()> belong to this special club. Or those perceptive few capable of uncovering the secrets behind that intrusive high-contrast banner on our website. Also, anyone who has a Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, or TikTok account. Oh, and anyone who owns a product from Google, Apple, Amazon, Samsung, or our other meticulously-vetted partners.

When you spilled out of bed this morning, you probably couldn’t have imaged the opportunity to type your credit card information into our website (we also take PayPal). Less than 43% of the world’s population meets our stringent, Scientifically™-proven criteria for joining what we like to call the Inner Circle of Customer Lifetime Value. So don’t miss this several-times-in-a-marketing-campaign chance to make your dreams come true!

You’re welcome,

World Economic Forum Strategic Partner who is also your close personal friend and really wants what’s best for you just like mommy dearest.

P.s. You probably recognize us from CNBC. Although we’re a household name, part of you may be wondering how we obtained your email address. Or, if you vaguely remember buying that thing from us that one time three years ago, you may be wondering how we might have mistaken your subsequent apathy for an invitation to connect. Wonder is one of the many joys of life. Never let that go.

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